I can't fix all this shit on my own. People aren't making it any easier by putting the world on my narrow shoulders. Why did i have to learn so much? I've said it before and i'll say it again, ignorance is bliss.

They tell you about health benefits and your salary, but they never ever warn you about the emotional roller coaster you're about to hop on. To think it all started with, "why that girl with the walkie talkie at the kids section so reluctant to come for briefing at lift lobby? Why this manager must shout at her so many times then she come one?"

It's so different now. Because you're not there. I vaguely remember the feeling of wanting to go to work just knowing you were part of the team. Despite the insane amount of shit we had to do and the incessant naggings we had to put up with. Even though you were idiotically insecure and dangerously klutzy, what i really saw was confidence and just plain awesomeness from what you could do. Maybe you were a little intimidating at first, but your bimbotic moments soon became the things i'd laugh about at the end of the day...i still do sometimes.

I guess that's what i miss. Knowing you were always around to cover my shit no matter how mad you were. Knowing that that there was someone who possessed a better eye for detail. You pointing out my mistakes and me complaining but being secretly thankful. Us being able to do our separate duties without me having to fix shit. Us being so in sync. Us being able to carry out sexual banter while doing a complete top up. Us being shoved into the merch spotlight and me knowing that i didn't really deserve it as much as you. Me always seemingly sarcastic and jealous of your capabilities at work but secretly just contented to be part of the team. Just generally being able to get out of bed and go to work no matter my state of depression, knowing that everything will be okay because you were there.

We trusted each other. And i know you said i would feel betrayed, but all i could think was, "shit how horrible it must've been for her to have to sit there and listen to me bashing him for more than an hour." Now i go to work without being nagged at. Or fucked because of a spineout on top of another. Or yelled at for putting a 3 month old title. Heck, the person who used to stalk me with eagle eyes stopped doing so and is actually nice to me now sans jealousy. Yet it doesn't feel any better. You keep hoping for the perfect merch team. But the truth is, the merch team will never be perfect without you. To me at least.

If this had been hand written i would've burnt it. Seeing as how it's digital and all, i'm gonna post it and see what else i can burn. And just to wrap things up on a lighter note, i shall say.....





Haha.

why does everybody say he's buff? or fit?

he's not.

he's just big sized.

since when did being tall allow you to eat whatever you want and still be complimented?

fucking genes.

for once, i'd like to be the one who takes and doesn't give back.

and even then, karma seeks me out. less likely due to chance and more probably due to guilt.

to light a cigarette, after a meal, after work.
to drag on that lit cigarette, to watch it burn.
to flick the ashes, to exhale, forcefully, slowly, in little o shaped rings.
to stub it in the bin, to litter on the heavily littered ground.
everything up to you, totally in control.

but the thought of getting lung cancer and all the other ailments that come with it,
i doubt you'd be feeling very much in control then.

"don't ever change"

someone once told me that.

farts are like people. so full of expression.

you've got the farts with that little question mark at the end.
you've got the farts that try to make a point.
you've got the farts that don't know when to stop.
you've got the farts that explode because they've been keeping mum for so long.
then you've got the farts that don't really say much at all.

You: sex?
Stranger: uh why
You: why not
Stranger: touche
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Connecting to server...
Looking for someone you can chat with. Hang on.
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: sex?
Stranger: hey im a really horny girl... say something that'll make me wet
You: i pour a bucket of hot water on you
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

bet he wasn't expecting that. stupid bitch.

Connecting to server...
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: A wild abra appears!
You: i try to run away
Stranger: You cannot escape!
Stranger: Abra uses teleport!
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

lol best one yet.

Connecting to server...
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: i could hardly believe it
You: when i heard the news today
You: i just had to go and get it straight from you
Stranger: what happened
You: so tell me all about it
Stranger: oh my god, you just had to be there
Stranger: i happened so suddenly
Stranger: me and jeff were just walking down south street
You: fuck no...not south street!
Stranger: then all of a sudden independence hall started glowing green
Stranger: we walked up to in
You: SHIT =o
Stranger: and the entire building exploaded
Stranger: jeff was hit and face and killed instantly
You: OMG
You: fuck
You: WHY JEFF WHY
Stranger: i used my ninja warrior skillz to fight off the shrapnel
Stranger: then the alien invaders came out of the ground
You: why didn't jeff use his ninja skillz?!
Stranger: i had to fight off all 10,000 of them
Stranger: THERE WAS NO TIME FOR HIS SKILLZ
Stranger: HE NEVER SAW IT COMING
You: FUCKING ALIENS. FUCK IT'S ALWAYS THE ALIENS
Stranger: but dont worry
Stranger: i got them all
You: YEAH!
You: and then what
Stranger: that it
Stranger: sorry
Your conversational partner has disconnected.